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| "i don’t wanna dream about all the things that never were maybe i can live without when i’m out from under i don’t wanna feel the pain what good would it do me now i’ll get it all figured out when i’m out from under"--britney spears
more and more problems come arising. it's like i'm a drama magnet. shit just keeps piling onto my shoulders and i don't know how much more i can handle. gotta pay for school, don't have the money. gotta buy people christmas presents, don't have the money, and even if i did it would go directly to school.
it sucks when you finally rise above and get past some of your mistakes. but then are incapable of following through. i mean it's been almost a year since i've done drugs. yet almost everyday i hear "you fucking crackhead" or "go do some fucking crack". it hurts. really bad. especially coming from someone who i love. it's so hard to fight an addiction, finally overcome it, and then have to get verbally put down all the time from people accusing you of failing.
i know i was a failure. i'm nothing like the person i used to be. and no one can seem to understand that. i mean i have to go to work in six hours, and i can't sleep because i know going into my room will cause yet another arguement with ralphy. so here i am, writing in a blog that no one knows exists and listening to the same britney spears song over and over and over again.
i always thought my parents were at least somewhat financially secure, but i realized a couple of days ago how bad it is. i mean i have to pay three hundred something a month, and my dad has to pay nearly three hundred for probation or something, nevermind the child support he has to pay for a kid he swears to god isn't even his. i barely make any money from my job, and even if i did, it's not like i wouldn't be getting laid off in january anyways. everyone wants expierence, but you can't gain expierence if no one hires you. you can't get an education to get expierence if you can't get a job to pay for the education. i never really understood how bad the economy is. or maybe it's just my family thats going through this kind of hardship. i mean i remember being homeless, i know we are better off than we were then. but my mom has a disability and doesn't get much money from them. and my dads boss is a schizo who forgets to pay him. not like he can legally work where he does seeing as he got disbared from being a lawyer. and its not like he can get a different job, seeing as he has a mighty long list of past felonys.
sometimes i wonder what life would be like if things were better off. maybe if i had different parents. who would i be? what would i be doing at that exact moment? who would i be friends with? where would i live? i thank god my parents met and had me, i just wish things were so difficult for us.
it doesn't help at all that most of my friends come from money. i hate always having to pretend i'm not allowed to go out just so they don't know i can't afford to do all the stuff they want to do. i hate having to have them pay for everything. i mean they work for their money too, but they also have a backup aka their parents.
i just wish things would get better for me, because i hate always being so miserable. i hate being a bitchy moody person all the time. i just want to be a normal person and do normal things.
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| i feel like im stuck in a relationship. no matter what i do, i cant break up with ralphy. he never leaves when i tell him to, and my parents said i cant kick him out and only he can. it fuckin sucks. what the hell kind of relationship is that supposed to be???
now hes mad at me again, because somehow i have the ability of pissing him off without even saying anything. if he doesnt call me tonight im breaking up with him, for good. its the god damn day before thanksgiving and i dont even care, if i dont have a phone call and hes not laying in bed when i wake up. he should have a lot to be ungrateful for.
im not going to continue to sit here and have him treat me like shit. im sick of all the name calling and fighting, and i just cant take it anymore.
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| HEY! whatdoyaknow i fucked up yet again.
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| i am a piece of shit. i can't even make a simple goddamn meal for my goddamn boyfriend. i cant do anything without someone yelling at me. i am worthless.
"mashed potatos are cold. chicken wings are still raw on the inside."
what the fuck? im sorry im not as great as a person as i could be. im sorry i wanted to do something nice for you, but then as usual, ended up fucking it up. im sorry i smoked a cigarette even though i said i was going to quit. im sorry i used to do drugs and sleep with tons of people. its in the past. im not like that anymore, no one can see past it though.
i want to move far away where no one knows me. i want to die. im never gonna find a guy that will treat me right. ive fucked up too much in the past. im never going to be good enough for anyone, never.
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| it has been one year today since i have injested any type of drug. ONE FUCKIN YEAR! i was supposed to have a party with all of my friends, but i had to work, so it was just going to be my mom my dad and my boyfriend. my boyfriend brought me home and what do you think i came home to? drunk parents, one passed out and the other slurring her speech so much ozzy osborne wouldn't even be able to understand her. i was supposed to have balloons? what do drunk people not know how to blow? we were supposed to have hot wings and pizza which turned out to be fried chicken and pizza i had to cook myself because my mom is going to pass out. i was supposed to have a cake, which i did have, it just isn't fit for the occasion, no one said congratulations holly. no one hugged me, so it seems like i did this all for nothing. people wanted me to fuckin change, so i did, and now it seems like there was no reason to. i fuckin' hate my life more than anything in the fuckin' world right now. seriously.and the worst part about it is, no one understands why i am so upset. NO ONE!
i mean for once in my poor pathetic life i did something that wasn't so selfish, i mean in the end it did help better myself, but my intentions were for myself, they were for the people i hurt when i was the scum bag i used to be. i was so fucked up a year ago and i have changed so much i just wish some one would give me credit for it. i wish people would stop judging me for what i did in the past, especially my boyfriend. he always thinks im cheating on him and always thinks im doing shit that i shouldn't be. i wouldn't be in a serious relationship if my intentions were to fuck him over, im done with that part of my life as well, but what do you know, everyone just sees the bad in me. im not a bad person, nor am i a good person, im not perfect, but it doesn't hurt to have someone tell you everything is okay once in a while does it?
i can't talk to my parents without having ralphy barge in there and pull me out because im letting all of my fuckin thoughts out on them, i dont mean to lash out the way i do, but i learned it from them and know no other way.
i got my shit together, i graduated early, i applied for college, i have a job, i am a thousand times better off than i was a year ago when i was sniffing anything that was a powdered substance i thought to be coke. ive changed my dreams as well and made more realistic ones but no one ever fuckin sees that. im always gonna be this fucked up little girl. always, and it fuckin iratates the fuck out of me.
it seems like every fuckin day a whole different part of me dies, and i dont know what the fuck i can do to stop it. i dont know the hell i can do to make everyone understand that i have changed. i mean not even one little congratulations holly, or good job i am so proud of you. just the little forced ones people say when they know you want them to say it and only say it to make you feel better. not one fuckin little pat on the goddamn back.
i want to fuckin hurt someone so bad right now, and the only person i have to hurt is myself, but im done with all of that shit.
why does everything have to be so goddamn complicated?
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